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15 Steps to Eliminating a Yellow Jacket from that Area Between Your Blinds and Your Window

  1. What’s that sound? As you sit at your desk one sunny morning, grow alarmed by a buzzing coming from the window two feet away from your head. Stare at the blinds for at least five minutes. When nothing happens, open the blinds and see a yellow jacket.
  2. Scream
    1. Reach for the can of compressed air. Why? You’re not sure.
    2. When your can’t figure out how to weaponize the duster, recall that you keep wasp and hornet spray in your night table to incapacitate rapists[1]. Briefly consider that it appears to be meant for outside use (“Kills the Entire Nest!”) and you are indoors with only moderate ventilation — and that the yellow jacket is obstructing that source of ventilation.
    3. Decide to use the wasp spray anyway.
    4. Because the yellow jacket is hiding behind the blinds, MacGyver a hose out of a turkey-shaped turkey baster some friends gave you years ago as a gag gift. Feel grateful that you held onto the baster, even though it was silly! Test-spray with the makeshift hose and note that it doesn’t work. Throw the baster away.
    5. Where did the yellow jacket go? With all the testing of equipment, realize you haven’t heard the buzzing for a while. Feel relief until it dawns on you that if the bug’s not in the window it’s somewhere else in your home.
    6. Rattle the blinds to get the yellow jacket, who now appears to know something’s up, to come out from its hiding place.
    7. Spray that wasp spray like you’re in the middle of a dense wood.
    1. Go for a 7-mile jog while it dries. Worry the entire time that you’ve poisoned yourself / destroyed your lungs.
    2. Return to find the window still dripping in places because you sprayed so much.
    3. Wipe down the wall. Retrieve the now-very-dead yellow jacket with a wad of paper towels.
    4. Throw everything that touched the bug or spray into a plastic Target bag.
    5. Wipe the wall again because it’s still wet and you really sprayed a lot.
    6. Open the now accessible window because you’ve probably already inhaled a lifetime’s worth of contaminants.

 

Congrats! You can eliminate yellow jackets on your own!

[1] Thanks for the tip, dumbass!

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One Comment Post a comment
  1. G.G. Andrew #

    This was so hilarious (and slightly terrifying). I have many other thoughts. First, why are there yellow jackets in November?

    November 19, 2015

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